I wish my penis had an off switch
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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