And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
