I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
