He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
