:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
