Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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