I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
