I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
