Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
