I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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