I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
