we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
