I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
