i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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