There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
