nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i think i have two assholes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
