I am puke
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
