my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
