If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
