John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
