hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My bed smells like the plague
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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