I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
