im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
