I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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