Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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