before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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