Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
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The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?