Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
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Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?