Ambien. No doubt about it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.