Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on