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So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize