I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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