my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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