you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
