11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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