How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
