I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
