i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
