You just made me feel so damn special
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
