Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I deserve this hangover.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
