so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
