My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
