Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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