If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
People in love make me want to vomit
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
