ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
