I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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