Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
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Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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