is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
