Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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