guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
