You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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