no, he came in my armpit
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
