I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
