allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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