Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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