I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
