tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
