did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
