im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
