Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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