You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
