i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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