You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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