My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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