We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
