Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
